Oprah: Why am I so nervous?

When I started this I was just thrilled at the possibility. Then I got excited about the process. Once it was a reality I freaked. Frankly, I surprised myself. My head still felt the same but my body was responding with an extreme nervousness. Why? I have been asking myself that for days. I am rarely nervous and always think big. This morning I realized it. It has nothing to do with The Oprah Show specifically. It has to do with me and what I think I am supposed to do with my life. Here's why. This is going to be lengthy but it's not an assignment for school. It's my blog. The one I started as a journal for my life and my family. I am going to write out just exactly what I am thinking in hopes that I can grab this with both hands and move forward rather than being the dog that wanted to go for a walk all day and now is pulling back on the leash. Nervous is OK if it doesn't hold me back.

"I knew there was a way out. I knew there was another kind of life because I had read about it. I knew there were other places, and there was another way of being." Oprah Winfrey

Because she not only knew, she went. Possibility was out there. The potential of what life could be, what it could bring and what she could do with it was in front of her. It's in front of all of us but not everyone moves towards it. It's placed in our hearts not by accident. I believe with all my heart and soul that God plants those seeds for a reason and it is our job not only to discover them but for them to come to fruition. It's not an easy thing to do. While we might try some most of us are not even at a remote fraction of the speed and power we could be. Oprah not only had the "know" she had the strength. I read a quote once I love. It said strength is not only about getting back up when you are knocked down but how hard you can get hit without falling. It is hard for me to even comprehend how hard people and situations have hit her and come at her over her career and lifetime.

Why has she had such a huge impact on us as a society? I think it's because people are afraid to go it alone. For the majority it's easier to ride on the people mover than walk the long route. If someone drags us there we are more likely to get there than if we we are left to our own demise. Everyone has a different set of gifts and abilities. There are natural born leaders that have the power to motivate, inspire and drive others. They are usually great starters and finishers. There are others that are good at the leg work. They may not have thought of the idea but they have the stamina, patience and drive to see things through to successful completion. I believe it's rare when someone is both. A great starter doesn't always want to stick around to see it through. They get bored. My thoughts are that Oprah is both. She was not only excited about what might lay ahead of her but she trudged forward, and forward and forward. I am a great starter, dreamer, motivator but I get bored. I don't quit because I gave up. I just scoot it aside to move on to my next super thing. I have great respect for anyone that can see it through. It reminds me of something I read. In Lance Armstrong's book It's Not About The Bike he explains drifting. It's the process in which while riding uphill or in difficult situations other riders would surround him. Within the dynamic realm of physics they would actually pull him so he could rest. I tend to be the person that is usually sprinting and running and circles when others have a reasonable and logical pace. It's a pace that isn't always possible to keep up. When I fall behind I have people in my life (often without them having any idea) that surround and pull me in the direction I started in. My husband is the best at it. Ok...you've rested, get a move on. Once I rest and build up some momentum again I can regain my strength and pace. When I look at Oprah with this thinking the picture that comes to mind is more like her riding a bike uphill with a ton of ropes coming off her. At the end of those ropes are a bunch of heavy carts being pulled uphill yet she rode ahead. The riders that surrounded Lance Armstrong had to be incredibly strong and awesome as well. Their talent was to surround him to help him accomplish his task. Their task was his task. My thoughts are it would would take a lot of phenomenal "riders" around Oprah to keep her going. I believe she has only a select few close riders and the rest comes from the affects she see's in the lives of the people she has affected (wind on her back). I want to hug her. Not for my benefit but maybe to pass some extra energy and strength her way. I am sure she can use all she can get!

I have a great sense of respect for her. I also have a lot of anxiety on her behalf (I worry way more about others than myself. I don't sleep over TV characters!) I am sure the rewards of the efforts and fame are amazing. On the flip side the constant resistance of people and the world has got to be exhausting. Never really knowing how far someone's loyalty goes, having the added pressure of millions that want you to pull them forward while they drift along, the greed and craziness that would come from such financial wealth. I would imagine there have been some very lonely times. For goodness sakes, she is a human. She still has to shower, sleep, stub her toe and avoid the brownies that scream to me too. She still looks in the mirror closely and probably thinks, "Hmmm...where did that come from?" She still daydreams and has nightmares. The fact that she is human is what makes us nuts about her. Our traditional "movie stars" carry the idea of allure of the characters they have played. They aren't easy to relate too because we try to relate to the image and "show". Oprah has shared her struggles, joy, anger, and dreams. That is easy to relate to. The difference is the place in which she shares those from. The other huge difference is what she gives back. ANYONE that has the audience to change the world for the better should. They have seriously missed the boat if they are not. It makes me sick when I hear a football player signed a contract for $50M or an actor got paid for $40M for a movie that brought pain and sadness into our lives or to run around like bafoons. Once in a while they make some donation (normally loudly in public) and everyone cheers. I have told my husband for years that if I ever win the lottery...WHEN I win the lottery...my plan is to give it all away. The joy that would come from giving it all away would be better than anything you could buy! He actually gets a little angry in this discussion but I tell him to prepare himself because it's going to happen. I say the lottery because an amount like that could make dramatic change. If I win a scratcher we are going to dinner :) Ha! Anyway, what is cool about Oprah financial situation is that it allows her not only to be able to but to do with oomph! Her desire to change things for the better has come back ten fold. Even if it hadn't my heart says she would have done it anyway which is a lesson to all of us.

"What material success does is provide you with the ability to concentrate on other things that really matter. And that is being able to make a difference, not only in your own life, but in other people's lives." Oprah Winfrey

I would rather be in her presence than the Presidents. A President climbed up through a system with teams of people surrounding them. It's not easy feat that is for sure but you don't go that road alone. She went where no one else had gone and stayed the course for more than half her lifetime and changed the world more than I think most Presidents have. That's moxy.

What does this mean for Kara? I hope it means way more than a fun time where she gets the experience of a lifetime and a new doo. I am constantly pushing her to believe more is possible. She always says, "Why me?" I always ask her, "Why not you?" She has worked really, really hard to get to the point in her life she is at. Her childhood was messed up. The odds she has already overcome to fight for an education, find a terrific spouse, set goals for her own children is terrific. She has already done so much and gone so far that I think she may sometimes forget to set some new giant marks. Frankly, we all do that. The last couple of days she has said again and again, "this doesn't happen to people like me". Yes! Yes, it does. What more would you like? It's there for you my friend. It's always been there. Waiting.

What does this me for me? It's a promise. It's a promise of God's faithfulness in my life. Nothing is out of reach and everyone has the same chance. I said in the beginning those seeds were not planted by accident. I believe we all know in our deepest place what it is we are supposed to do with out lives. Facing it and especially living it are the hard part. It's uncomfortable and scary but we only get one shot. I have always really wanted to really find and live whatever my purpose is I just didn't know how. A few years ago I realized it wasn't about the purpose as much as it's about the person capable of the purpose. When you are busy though and caught in the daily routines of life it's easy not to do anything at all towards that. Last year I was really struggling with myself. I was really tired and wiped out and feeling old. I was sitting in my house which was a wreck nursing a baby with a To Do list a mile long. I freaked out that at 35 I was probably in the second half of my life. I was thinking whatever it is might never occur because I am so distracted and weighed down. I prayed with all of my heart and asked, "God, please just make me do whatever it is I am supposed to do. I don't know what my purpose is and I have no idea what I will have to become to make it happen. Whatever it is will you please just open the door and kick me through? Please. I really want to do whatever it is you made me to do I just have no idea where to start. You are welcome to donkey kick me all you need. When I am on the right track will you please just make it easy so I know to keep going". Well, since that time God has been working his magic. All of my life I think the coolest things have happened but since then it's been amazing. I am not going to list it because I guard them with my heart and gratefulness. Anyone that knows me knows about Matt's amazing MIRACLE last September!!!!!!!! Being a part of the Oprah falls right in line. When I would answer the question on a silly quiz, "Name a famous person you would like to meet?" I would always answer, Oprah. When I set my sights on a women that followed her heart she of course comes up first. The entry was for Kara, they chose Kara and Kara is going to transformed I hope in all kinds of great ways. I am happy to go along for the ride as far as the actual experience and show go. For me aside for the literal show it's a promise that nothing is too big, nothing is out of reach because most people consider being on the show the ultimate. Famous people often say appearing on her show was the highlight of their career. For me it's not so much the "show" as being in the presence of someone that did it, is doing it and will keep doing it. Now, am I saying I want to be Oprah? No. I want to have the guts and stamina to do what I am supposed to do, like she has. I don't care what scale it's on, where or how I just want to make sure I didn't miss the boat and when I can I row like nuts.

Kara was freaking out yesterday and I told her to calm down and just enjoy it, all of it. Open up and let come what may. Allow the good things to happen and happen to her. She said she had a quote she needed to find her grandpa gave her once. When we hung up she was headed in a different direction, but I wasn't. She called back and read me the quote. I am digging in my heels right now and am going to attempt to follow my same advice. No...I am GOING to. This is fun and exciting and I want to just be open too. Mostly I want to support her and honor the person I really believe she is.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body but rather to skid in sideways?

Update: I posted wrote this and not an hour later Kara texted me that someone at work with a dirty look said, "Why you?" She answered, "Why not me?". I am so incredibly proud of her. Let the haters hate while you are busy living sista!

Oprah update 5/1/11

I just got off the phone with them. So far what I know is this. We will fly to Chicago early Wednesday. A driver will pick us up and take us to our hotel where we will receive food and drink vouchers for our time there. He said we wouldn't need any money other than things we wanted to buy. Thursday we will both go to the studio and they will take footage of the consult and of me saying goodbye and start her makeover. Whatever they have planned will take the entire day and the next morning. I guess at that point they kick me out the door. I am OK with that because that gives me the day to wander around Chicago (OK Mark, where do I go?). Then I will be moved to a different hotel so I don't see her. Friday a driver will take me to the studio where there will be, "food, hair and makeup". Then the show will be taped, I will be in the front row and..."Oprah will probably ask me a question". Hmmm....I hope I don't suddenly have Tourette Syndrome and yell out something horrible. Frankly, it wouldn't surprise me if I did something like that! He said not to wear a lot of white or patterns and try to stick with bright solid colors. He was going to call and talk to Kara next. Man I wish I could hear it. It finally started to really soak in and she is freaking out a bit. I know how she feels because I am a few days ahead of her. I feel sorry for her because I haven't slept well and have literally been holding my breath since Wednesday. She has a lot of work to get done today so I pray she can find the peace to accomplish it. I want her to be able to really let go, have fun and soak it all in. I want her to be nervous excited but not scared and sick.

Nice to meet you, Oprah!

3/28/11
Since I met Kara I thought, "She belongs on Oprah!". Her hair is like no other! I just entered her into a Oprah's LAST makeover search! Please cross your fingers that she ,"and a guest will fly free to Chicago Illinois!"

My submission:

Casper white, blue eyes, heart of gold with a blond fro describes my best friend Kara perfectly. When Oprah announced her final season my first thought was, "Oh no. Kara will never get a shot at normal hair now". I have known in the depths of my heart since I met her we would come to Chicago and she would be one of your stylists best successes. Never have I known a more generous, down to earth, accepting soul. If I called her in the middle of the night and requested $5K immediately her only response back would be, "small or large bills". Honestly, she would do anything for anyone. She would not only give you the shirt off her back but would offer her arms to go with it. Now, her hair. I have never seen anyone else that compares. When I first met her I thought she was just madly stuck in 1988 with a really bad perm and had a rough night with peroxide. Nope. It's real. When it's just washed and dried it looks like a blond version of one a 2ft wide halloween afro wig. She uses half a can of mouse per day in attempts to tame it and has even tried to buy cases directly from the manufacturer she uses so much. Even then it's nuts. She uses a roll of masking tape as a pony tail holder! She can't eat at ethnic restaurants because her hair soaks up the smells so strongly it disrupts public situations elsewhere. It's spectacular and can be a spectacular disaster. We have been friends since 1994 and the reactions I have witnessed vary greatly. People treat her differently and for the most part I find it negative. The amount of money she has spent seeking stylists and purchasing products is unreal. If they have made it, she has owned it. Surely someone has the skill to tackle this mane. If anyone deserves a switch up, it's her. (I took this picture tonight 3/22. It’s only washed and brushed. It is NOT teased or enhanced at all...just not over moussed)

Oprah! We can't wait to be a part of your show! Thank you in advance!


UPDATE
I listened to my voicemail today and discovered I missed a call from Oprah! Well...not her but her show. It went like this, "Hi Hope. This is Megan from Oprah and I would love to talk to you about the submission you sent in regarding your friend Kara. Please call me back." Ahhhh!!!! Of course I did but by the time I heard it with the time difference it was almost 5:00 there. I am hoping they work weird hours and she calls me again today. Oh, how exciting would it be to go? In reality I hope Kara gets picked so that I can come too. Even if I don't get to go I would be thrilled beyond belief if she did! Please hope that this turns out in the best possible way!

UPDATE
4/30/11
First of all Kara really does deserve this. Everything I told them, sent and shared was accurate and honest. I am really proud of that. I didn't want to do any "tap dancing" to get her on. I wanted to tell them what I really thought, felt and the reasons they would miss out on for not picking her. She is really selfless and kind. She also happens to have a nutty mop on her head that she puts 1/2 a can of mousse in a day. To get the chance of a lifetime on a show that is ending at a time in her life that a some new open doors would be appreciated is just cool. Now, it's a bit comical as well. I have actually believed in my heart of hearts for 10 years that I would do this and she would go. SURE of it. I just kept not doing it. At first I didn't because it wasn't right. I didn't want to say, "you need a makeover" because it's usually from a negative humiliating place. It was more like I wanted her to have the opportunity of a makeover for the chance to have some options with her hair and an experience to cherish. It just never felt right. When Oprah announced this year was it my first thought to myself, "you stupid procrastinator you screwed up by waiting so long!". I went on the website that day but there were no "upcoming shows" that would fit. Now, with only 6 weeks left of 25 years I ran across a link that led me to a link that led me to the entry page. I told Kara I was entering and needed to do it ASAP because it was the last chance. She came over on her way home, brushed her hair and I took a few pic's. Her hair was NOT assisted. Picked or brushed it's huge and crazy. The only way to tame it is with enormous amounts of products. I understand but wish it wasn't the case because it's more of a burden for her that fun. It's also been the source of a lot of pain. What she really needed were resources and help. Who better to bring in the big guns that Oprah!

There has actually been a lot of "action" between my last update and tonight. Tons of phone calls and emails. However, I had to keep it secret. We ended up talking for about 40 minutes after my update the call on 4/12/11. I told them why I thought Kara deserved this and answered all the questions they had. She said they needed pictures and needed them that night. I went out to her house and snagged a good stack. For hours I tried to send them but they weren't going through so I made a little slideshow and uploaded it via YouTube instead. I She said she would share them with her team and get back to me early the following week. She didn't. No one called the following week either so I figured it was over. I kept trying to convince myself that just getting the call was super fun and honestly putting together the slideshow was worth it to me. I did have a ball. She told me they loved everything but then didn't call. I finally got a call Wednesday this past week with more questions and requests for more specific photos. I called her husband for help and sent them in Thursday. I was on my 3rd Oprah employee (Brian, Producer) by Thursday afternoon when they told me they had made a final decision to include her in the Oprah Final Season Final Dream Makeover Show. What's weird is as soon as he called I recognized his voice. I had just watched an Oprah episode that he was on. I have been way behind and have 25 recorded (Matt loves that). When I watched it there was something about him that really stuck with me. He shared an emotional story but it was way more than that. I had watched that show maybe 3 days before and thought of him many times. I prayed for him the day I watched the recording because of it. I knew right away it was him. It was a shock that I would be going to. Honestly I was only hoping I would be included in some way. Had Kara gotten to go alone I still would have been ecstatic! Being given the chance to go along is just awesome.  I felt it was no accident he was the one that called.He said they wanted to come here "Saturday" to do a surprise. "Saturday? Like the day after tomorrow?" Wow! He gave me some additional details and we discussed possible surprises. I barely slept. I went to bed just excited and fine but somewhere in the night that totally changed! I freaked! On Friday he called and gave me the exact plan. It was totally different than what I had thought was going to happen. In that rundown he said, "We will come to your house first to film your part and then you will take us to her house and film there". My house! What!!!! Are you kidding? This is following a conversation 10 minutes prior in which I told Matt I would rather burn it down than clean it again. Crap! I had just seen a cartoon a few days prior that mother frustrated and not motivated to clean. She then gets up and heads to the phone. Her son asks who she is calling and she answers, "someone influential". Ha! I can relate. If I really need motivation to clean I plan a party. I did not expect to live it on such a grand scale only days later. Seriously! Nothing like getting you in super-hyper-scub-mode like a visit from a National TV Show let alone The Oprah Show. Well, it's clean. Come see it while it lasts! That should give you about an hour! Hurry. Anyway, my anxiety went from high to off the charts with that additional detail. I had no idea what they intended to do here but we wanted to be prepared. Matt and I were superhero's! I had no idea what they meant when they said they would shoot my part. I do now! They showed up here and briefed me on the plan, put a microphone on me and asked several questions. We then drove to Kara's house in which they recorded me driving. That was interesting. I said, "I am having a hard time just sitting still and looking ahead". The camera man replied, "I see that". That made it a lot easier! Ha! I could feel one lip quivering so I am sure that's going to turn out great. Once we got there they shot me driving down the road, pulling into the driveway, walking up to the house... I thought that would be the extent. Me involved but just quick little clips. It wasn't. I talked for the next 4 hours with a camera 12 inches from my face. He was shorter than me too so most of it I am certain was up my nose! We shot all types of sequences and things so I will leave those details a mystery until airing. A few of their ideas really threw me for a loop so I pray I did Kara justice. I wish I had known sooner what my portion entailed but it coming as a surprise I think may have transformed me into a nincompoop. The whole experience is still surreal. I feel like I am making it up. I am now in a different zone than I was on Thursday and Friday. I am nervous in a whole new way. What did I say??????????? I have no idea anymore. I am thinking of tons of things I wish I had said, a few come to mind I really wish I had NOT said and the rest is a blur. My hunch is 4 hours of tape is going to boil down to 11 seconds but who knows. I hope it's longer for the sake of all that was involved but I am genuinely concerned about the freak show I put on. I really wanted to be myself but it wasn't coming out right. I think if I had known I was going to do that I could have put on an actors hat and prepared myself differently. I don't like what I see in video when I am just normal. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I know I was weird. They kept saying, "that was perfect...got it...good job" but I am not so sure. I was talking in circles as fast or faster than normal and had some wild hair after the outside windy portion. At one point my stomach growled. Normally no one would notice that but I had a microphone in my bra. I asked them if they heard it in their headsets, they did. I am sure they heard my heart POUNDING OUT OF MY CHEST as well. They made me stare directly into the camera the entire time. I warned them about my freaky eye but I am not sure they were listening. I am really glad that I get to see it before everyone else see's it so I know whether or not we should move!!!!!!! In the end Kara came in, was totally caught off guard and is really excited. It hadn't fully hit her when I left her house but I am sure it will at 2:00am tonight! We fly to Chicago Wednesday morning, she will be separated from me Thursday morning and I won't see her again until Friday morning. I will be carted off to a different hotel Thursday night so I don't see what has been done. She will be finished Friday morning and then the show will tape later in the morning. During the show she will apparently be revealed to me. It's also going to include clothes. That night we will be on a plane back. I really would have been alright with a buddy pass on the plane and a ticket to the audience. I had no idea today would go down as it did and that I would be part of the reveal. I am so excited, so nervous, so confused, so so so grateful I don't know where to begin. My favorite part of today was Kara's comment as it started to soak in right when I was leaving. She said, "Man. I should shave my legs". I wish I could be a fly on her wall when it finally hits her!

This is Patrick giving me the run down. He had an amazing energy about him. He flew in the night before from New York and at the end of the day was going to drive to Phoenix so he could fly to Chicago in the morning. He is sweet, kind, funny and really real. I don't know what I expected but not that. He made me far calmer than I had been which helped a lot. Otherwise, I may have needed a diaper :) Ha! One thing I have certainly discovered so far is that her employees work their hearts out for her!

Me getting a mic

This is natural, the way it is without the mousse.

Ahhh, Poop!

This post is dedicated to poop! If you are not a tolerable fan of poop you might move on.

There seems to be more bodily excrement in my life today than normal. First I wake up this morning to Ryder saying, "Why do I have a diaper on? We talked about this! I am 4 years old. No more of these. I am going to be so mad to you". Well, I put one on him after he pee'd on me in his sleep. Actually I do sneak one on him every night because he just sleeps so hard he can't control it. Then this morning Charlotte threw a brown baseball over the gate on the stairs at me while hollering, "Thtinky". I noticed then that she had taken her diaper off and already laid a nice little pile of doo on top of it. By the time I reached her I quickly realized she had it EVERYWHERE. I had to give her a quick bath and then clean it all up. Ryder was totally horrified which actually made it bearable. His reaction was quite hysterical. Next, I walk into the living room to find the dog had just pee'd. I scolded him and put him outside and had to clean that up. Luckily I got a two hour break while I taught art at the preschool. It was a good day in preschool land. I think most days are good days when leaving because inevitably one of them says or does something that catches me off guard. I love the things they come up with. Today one of the little girls kept flashing her "debit card". She wouldn't leave it alone. It turns out it was a gift card to Victoria's Secret. Ha! So funny, especially the particular individual that had it. All the kids were impressed at her possession of the treasured debit card. I picked up lunch on the way home. Matt and I were eating at our dining room table when Charlotte stood up in her high chair and announced, "B" and proceeded to pee all over herself. I cleaned that up, gave her a diaper and continued on with lunch. A few minutes later she climbed up on the table so she could reach the "dip". She LOVES salsa so we can keep her occupied for longer than normal with dip. She has this habit of losing her diaper in a matter of nano seconds. She is certainly ready for potty training but at this point it's not clicking and is just hazardous. It is common to hear someone in our house (several times a day) to say, "Charlotte! Where is your diaper?" While eating salsa she somehow lost the diaper, stood up and pee'd right on Matt's lunch. I was just stunned but he howled hysterically. That should encourage her not to do it again in the future. I put ANOTHER diaper on her and took her upstairs for a nap. As soon as I got to the stairs I realized the brown ball this morning was not the only one. She had throw a ton more up the stairs. Someone had stepped in it and spread it along. Hmmmm...Hello! Isn't poop kind of hard to miss? I scrubbed it all up and really hope that was the last of it. A few weeks ago she walked in while I was on the phone and said something while laying a steamy log on my leg. She was so, so proud. I hung up and took her with me to flush it. We made a big party of it. She is aware she needs to go and knows when it is happening. We just need it all to occur in a different manner. With her being our fourth it honestly barely phases me. To a non-parent or someone that hasn't experienced the adventure of potty training this all must be horrifying. I know it's a phase and I know I will think it's extra funny later. Abbi pee'd in my ear while I was laying down when she was the same age. Izze pooped in my mouth when she was 10 days old (that was such a good one I included it in our Christmas newsletter) and Ryder stood up while eating dinner and pee'd right on his own dinner because he didn't want to eat it when he was just 3 years old. So, It's noon and I have been awake for 5 hours with about 10 hours left awake. I hope the remaining 2/3 of the day are free from #1, #2 and Lord willing #5 free!

**Abbi used to say she had to go #5 when she was feeling...sick.

8:57pm: EDIT
Believe it or not I have to add more! I put Charlotte to bed around 7:30. She fussed on and off for a half hour. When I went in I had left her light on! Argh! So much for sleeping when your mom leaves your light on. Anyway, I quickly noticed something on the floor. I asked her what it was and she answered, "poop". Awesome. She was naked. Her jammies on the floor, the diaper on the floor and two turds on the floor. I cleaned her up, dressed her again, washed her hands, laid her back down, and removed the poop. Good night Charlotte. Seriously, good night!

EDIT #2:
The very next day she pooped on Abbi's floor and then lined it up on her bed! Ha ha! Abbi was NOT happy about it! I find it hysterical!

I will go anywhere, provided it is forward.

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.
James F. Byrnes

I am not afraid of dying. I am most afraid of not living! I of course don't want to die but the thought of not fulfilling what I was born for horrifies me. God gave me all these wishes, desires, dreams and skills on purpose. We are supposed to do something with those. When I taught Life Skills at the middle school I had a lesson about looking forward. I asked the students if it would make sense to drive a car forward by looking in the rear view mirror only. Their answer always included a gasp. Of course some hysterical kid would say, "Huh huh, that would be cool". For the most part they couldn't imagine it possible. Why then do people spend so much of their lives looking back? I know people that are in the back cargo area of their car hanging on by their toes out the window scratching at the road passing. I saw a guy with a shirt in Taco Bell once that read, "The older I get the better I was". I laughed at the time but now I hate everything about that! Why can't the rest of your life be the best of your life? I was stronger, faster, tighter but now I am smarter. A job is easier when you have the right tools. Most of the tools we have in our belts were placed their by previous triumphs and failure. That means going forward will be easier. Better. My failures hurt. I don't want to repeat them. It makes my heart ache to see people long so badly for a time when they were better, when their lives were richer, when they were healthier or when things were more fun. Some want back their kids when they were little so much that they miss the incredible adults they have become or the grandchildren they have produced. It pains me to hear people say they could have been instead of what they still can be. God planted those dreams and talents in us to do it. If you are still here, you are still supposed to do it. Now, I am not thrilled about the recurring gray hair that appears on the top of my head. I have discovered no matter how much I pull and stretch my face there is a line that doesn't disappear and I do think shorts are a thing of my past. I do think of the consequences on my body before I set out in an activity even if it just entails walking. But I am grateful for the knowledge and security time is giving me as well. I care a lot less about what others think and believe a lot more in myself and others. It's often that I would wish those that think I can't or shouldn't would get out of my way so that I can. I know a lot of us are so busy looking down "while driving" that they don't know what just passed or can't see what is yet to come. It's easy to get distracted adjusting knobs, texting, digging for change that you didn't catch any of the journey either. I now someone like this. She is always making plans for when she has time, when she is thinner, when her kids are older. Time is the only thing we all have equal amounts of in a day. No matter how young, old, fat, thin, dark, light, smart or dumb. We all get 24 hours. How we use them, that's a different story. I tend to live my life like a waitress. I attempt to work on a ton of different things at once. It's a lot like the plate spinning act. Some get a lot better service and once in awhile one gets ignored so much they vanish. I certainly have a lot of room to grow in organization and efficiency. The hurdle to those for me is consistency. It's my greatest strength and weakness. I think I look forward...through a giant windshield. The greatest pressure in my life is that of possibility and opportunity! I lay awake and worry far more about what I need to do in the sense of what I am meant to do. Looking into the future too far can be problematic as well. I thought of this last night while driving up from Phoenix. Something was off but I couldn't identify it. Turns out I had a headlight out. I wasn't used to seeing things this way. I could only see "enough". I have trained myself to look at a much larger space. It's a good representation of me. I think and see broadly and usually at a quicker pace than others that I can add undue pressure. I also imagine and dream up so much for my future it may be unrealistic that it will all happen, and then in my eyes I will have failed. I don't waste a lot of time and energy looking back but I have to remind myself not to worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. The steps I take today will get me there but I can't leap out of today, and shouldn't. Now, glancing back to see where we have been does have merit. So, for me the sum of all these things is just move and look forward with an occasional glance back. That's why the windshield is 500 x's larger than the rear view mirror, there is more to come than what has passed.

Awesome!

I was looking at Abbi's pictures on Facebook and ran across this one! I love my legs! I am standing at the sink in the background. Apparently they were warping themselves on my computer in my office. I am totally into whatever I was doing with these mile long legs. Cracked me up! What got me next is in the background of the background Charlotte is ON her highchair tray. Super safe! These are my favorite kind of photos! This is real life!

Sweet Dreams!

I want to sleep. Sleep all the way! The way it was intended. I desire to prepare, lay, gain benefit from the time and rise refreshed. Well, that never happens. Ever. It did but has failed to return. As a kid I remember the alarm going off for school. I was sure I had never been more comfortable in my whole life. When I couldn't take the sound anymore I would jump to shut it off and try to return to the exact same spot. It never seemed to work but I tried. The thing is, it did exist I just couldn't have it back. Now, it never exists. I am never comfortable, never all the way asleep and rarely refreshed. In the past I was a very wild sleeper. I would wake up upside down, in a different room, in different clothes and often confused. Surely that was pretty deep sleep for all that to occur. Now, I am listening to my kids breathe from their room downstairs, timing the heater or pinching Matt hoping to make him quit snoring. Side note: He has recently completed a sleep study that determined he does not sleep deeply enough. Well, you could have fooled me. He appears to be in a comma and sounds like a dang freight train. When I did sleep I had dreams that seemed so real they interfered with my daily life. I would think I had made appointments that I hadn't. I have been angry about things that never happened or I long to repeat an experience that in fact was a dream. Once I woke up SURE I had just set the worlds best piece of cheesecake on my nightstand. I spent a significant amount of time trying to locate it. It was not to be found under blankets, clothes, in the closet or anywhere else. To this day I wish someone hadn't come in my house and stolen it from me while I was waking up! Ha! In college I woke up in someone's bathroom. Later I learned I had taken all of their things and piled them in the corner. The entire medicine cabinet, shower curtain, rug...all piled up. As odd as that is I want it back! Unfortunately, as long as I am a mother I think I am stuck. I think part of it is subconscious because I need to be aware. But..now my kids do it! Ryder said in his sleep two nights ago, "Ka, ka, k, Turtle". Charlotte was in our bed and repeated back, "Ka, ka, ka". That woke him up and then he woke her up. They proceeded to giggle and wrestle. Last night he chewed me out in his sleep and demanded I give him his cracker back. He was so mad that I had taken it. I was tired and frustrated but I can relate. I think his cracker must be wherever I left that cheesecake! Isabelle asked me two weeks ago if I had dressed her while she was sleeping. Nope. She had gotten up and fully dressed herself and went back to bed. Doesn't remember a thing. Abbi has gotten out of her bed, walked right to me and proceeded to have a one sided crazy town conversation. She usually gets frustrated and returns to her own room. My mom woke up in a hotel parking lot in her nightgown! When she asked my dad why he let her leave he responded, "I thought you went for a Pepsi!" What a bunch of nuts! One of my favorite childhood memories is of my mom chasing a spider she thought was in our tent while camping on the side of a freeway. It was scary and wildly entertaining all at the same time. I swear every night when I lay down I think, "can't wait to see how this night ends". I just wish it would end with me feeling like it was real sleep and not a Saturday Night Live skit! So, off to bed I go. Sweet dreams!

Hello! Woo hoo! Over here!

I first noticed it in high school. I worked at a "cookie store". I spent a year or two eating and selling hot gooey cookies at Grandma Buffalo's Chips (man to have that metabolism again!). It would happen often that a customer would look behind them in bewilderment while I attempted to help them from behind the counter. It always surprised me and my first thought was, "Duh! There is no one else there". However, over time I noticed a pattern. It always happened when I stood in the same place. In time I discovered that at the perfect distance if I look at someone, directly in the eye, they think I am not. It appears to them I am looking through or past them. They will look behind them, stand confused or point to themselves in question. My favorite is when then just furrow their brow and wince a little. Backing up or turning my head usually seemed to make their discomfort go away. It bugged me though because I was still looking them directly in the eye! A year or so later I was forced to sketch myself in a college drawing class. It was then I discovered "my issue". Okay...one of my issues! One eye is offset. It's crooked! Not like pointing the wrong way but like it stepped to the left! Seriously! I read once that Christi Brinkley is perfectly beautiful because she is symmetrical, both halves of her face are exactly the same. The Greeks even sculpted and painted people this way. Identical halves are ideal. Well, I missed that boat. I am asymmetrical! I am two different people glued together with this eye that stepped to the left. Anyway, I notice it at an exact distance somewhere around 3-4 feet. They have to be standing directly in front of me. I have experimented with which way to turn, tilt or lift my head. Apparently I have mastered it because it's only rarely that I notice it now. However, every now and again some poor fool will point to themselves or look behind them. It's just one of the things that makes me uniquely me. I really believed that was the extent of it and attempted to limit the self-conciousness of it. Well, I was wrong! One day Matt says, "Where are you looking?" I laughed and assumed my position. He asked again before explaining one eye had made a detour while we were talking. Crap! Now it floats around! That sucks! In time I have pinpointed that issue as well. It appears to occur only when I am tired. Lucky for me I don't notice it. It's not like I see two different directions at once. But...how cool would that be? Cool. Once in awhile just to razz me he will jump around and ask if I can still see him. Ha ha! It's a funny quirky thing that feels like a fun party trick that only I am party to. To my surprise by accident I recorded it...well sort of. I took a picture with the camera on my phone of my friend and I in Vegas. After uploading it to Facebook and reviewing it later I nearly wet myself in laughter! In this photo it looks FAKE! It looks like a knockoff glass eye! As much as this makes me odder than I already am, I LOVE IT! I love knowing I have the power to make people oddly uncomfortable by standing still. If you spend enough time with me one day it might just spin wildly in circles. I guess you will just have to wait in uncomfortable and nervous anticipation for which it might be!

I am serious!

Did you know they make bandages, bandages for your eyeball? Well, I didn't. Now I do. While sitting uneventfully as the passenger in our car I tore my cornea. I rubbed my eye pretty gently and that was it. I ended up with this bandaid for 24 hours, had it replaced and got a second for another 24 hours. While the scientific wonder of it was enough to make me totally forget about how bad my eye hurt without it I never thought about possible risks or side effects. One doozie of an adverse reaction surfaced the second evening. My doctor explained the bandaid as a clear sponge that would hold eye drop anti-biotics on it while it healed. That made sense. The whole sponge concept really made sense after I cut onions while making dinner! Yowza! Whatever horrible poison that normally bothers my eyes during that process was then soaked up by my super cool mad science clear eye sponge! It burned and tortured me for hours! But it wasn't a waste of an experience. I learned that you produce totally different tears in reaction to onions. It's the tears that actually burn. Whatever was trapped there continued to cause those tears. It totally sucked but in the end I am totally grateful to know that fun fact!

Me...only bigger!

As 2011 rolls in I make this resolution. I just want to be me. I want to be me all the way. I want to do what I am kinda of doing, only way bigger and better! I want...that is, I WILL, dream bigger, work harder, run faster, push beyond the normal limits more than I already do. I will kiss longer, laugh harder, feel deeper and read at least one more book (to Charlotte). I will stop when asked, "Mommy, would you like to watch a show with me?". I will listen to the, "and then she....." with more gusto! I will snuggle better, allow cold dry feet to touch and throw more away! I have a lot of weird crap happen in my life. Finally, I believe I am to the point I just don't care or question it anymore. I have so many incredible weird blessings too! I like to think I welcome blessing more than others too. This year it's going to rain!!!!! This is the year that I fly! This is the year that my gifts are who I am. Not just what I am capable of. I will write! I will shoot! I will paint more, draw more, share more! I will not doubt and I will love! I will give all of it! Every single last ounce. I read a quote once that said something about not being regretful so much of what they had done but what they had not done. Two thousand and ten almost cost Matt his life. His human earthly existence. It may come again. But between now and then there will not be any "I wish"'s or "If only I had"'s. We will live! Live fully and deeply. Welcome 2011! I have big plans for you!

My Mama!

Today at MOPS the leader had brought her mother as a guest. In the introduction she gave her mom credit for a lot of things she is proud of. She said she taught her how to cook, dust, sew and such. As a mother now herself she was giving her mother loving credit for the mothering she received. Another gal turned to me and said, "I really need to learn to some things so I can teach my kids. My mom knows how to do a lot of things but didn't teach us girls any of them". I find it fascinating how we tend to do that! We want certain things for our kids or have great things to share and then we just don't. In both good ways and bad ways we often forget to pay it forward. It is a continuous weight on me to "share" my gifts with my kids. This goal has claimed a permanent place under "family" every time I sit and write goals out. Never do I quite feel like I am taking enough time or making making enough effort to transfer these skills and knowledge. Yet, I have to give myself some credit because I do a lot of fun things with my kids and we do a lot of fun special things for them. However, I know I have so so much more to give them. The great thing is, this is info from me they actually want. When she was finished I started to roll a list through me head of the things I know how to do because my mama took the time to teach me. My eyes welled up and I had a lump in my throat. At the time a silly fun song was being belted out about the hilarities of motherhood. My friend next to me must have noticed my sudden sink and asked why I was crying at the song. I laughed and told her I had just made a mental list of the things I know how to do. I know how to do these things not because I had a mother but because of my particular mama! A few weeks ago our table leader made a comment about how every mother is given children that need what she has to offer. I had never thought of it that way. I have these 4 super different children. It's hard to fathom that I contain (or contain the ability to contain) all that they need from me. On my drive home I ran the list through my head of the blessings my mom has shared. Not just with me but many with my kids too. I can draw and paint because my mom showed me how. Making a pair of pants, a set of drapes, new bedding or a teddy bear is possible because she taught me how. Knit, crochet, needlepoint and those funny rugs with little pieces of yarn and hook things have all been completed with success because of her lesson, encouragement and supplies. When Halloween rolled around not only did I have a costume, I had a hand painted costume that won the contest because she painted and painted for hours to make it just right. When I ran for various offices I didn't just have xeroxed posters filling the halls. Oh no! My mom brought me a pig to walk the halls on a leash in a t-shirt that read, "Vote for Hope". At some point I had a pet goat. I have no idea why but she made us matching clown suits and we paraded around the ice rink (I am going to have to ask her about this one. Ha!). When my friends spent the night she used our best glasses to serve us fancy desserts and in the morning made pancakes in the shape of Pac-Man. I have no idea how many hours she spent painting little scenes on my nails with her very best brushes and her very best paints. Most of the time I am not afraid to step forward and give things a shot...because she taught me to try. Setting the expectation that I can pull something off happens because she told me...I could do it. Now that I am a mother of teenagers I often think of the times my mom arrived after a dance in her nightgown and winter coat to pick me up without a cross word regarding the fact that I was the LAST one out of the building. As I set up carpools in attempts to get everyone where they need to be I often think, "how in the world was she able to take me to all those things?" Not only me but she usually was driving my friends too yet I don't remember anyone other than her ever driving me. I was never called lazy, dumb, or useless. My mama told me I was smart, creative, fun and beautiful. The best part is that she loves to share the cool things with my kids too! Having two sets of kids has made it a bit tricky. Regardless when I made the mental list of what my kids have gotten to do and learn with her just makes me dance. My big girls have sewn pillows, frogs and bags. The have cooked and baked everything under the rainbow. There is no slice and bake cookie experience for this lady, oh no. She has taught my kids how to make pretzels, fudge, taffy, gingerbread houses, bagels, cinnamon rolls and dinner in a campfire. They have made ice cream in a coffee can and cake in ovens they made themselves! Building houses, sewing new clothes and anything else Barbie Doll related for hours and hours and hours. Every holiday a box arrives full of festive goodies! Themed shirts, socks, stickers, candy, nativity calendars... Every birthday always was topped with a special cake made by grandma taken to the extreme. There is not enough space and my fingers are not even capable of noting all the special magical things my kids have lived, nor have I. These things are mine, all mine. Because...she is my mama! I now seem to take some of those things to a whole new level. I don't want to make a pillow, I want to make shoes! I don't want to have a few people over, I want to throw a party for 500! My life is what it is because my childhood mattered. I mattered. I wasn't left home all alone or dumped off with people. My folks weren't party animals or workaholics. I wasn't beaten or mentally abused. I was loved. My kids would be enormously blessed if I pulled off even a fraction of what my mom and dad have done for me! Ahhh...my dad. He deserves a post all of his own!

Sweet November

The point of this blog is really more of a personal journal for me. Mostly I just write about what I am thinking and feeling at that time. I am almost afraid for people to read it because I know I am wired differently than most. I always have been. My life doesn't seem possible to some. But it is. I seem to attract radical things both good and bad. I have the weirdest messed up stuff happen followed by blessing people only dream of. Either way, it's real and it's my life. Even if it's only for the kids to read again someday it will have been worth every second!

I just looked back at what I have blogged about the last few times. I can say for certain that September sucked! October was fine and created some recovery time for the events of September. A lot of great things showed up in October as well. Matt has been feeling well after the heart incident. We are getting better at eating well when we are out or out of town. That was a real trick. Sometimes eating well is crazy expensive and hardly ever quick. Luckily we have found some great options. Matt was also nominated for firefighter of the year. I am really proud of that! He has been a firefighter and paramedic for several years and I have no photos of him in action. I want them but can't appropriately get them. If he is in action, someone is at risk. This last week I was able to catch a great shot of him in his full gear. He had brought a fire truck to Ryder's school. While he was putting hoses away I took one shot that I will forever cherish. There is a confidence and calmness to him. The events of September are greatly responsible for this look of profound peace.

Over the last year I had a goal of finishing a book I have been writing by April 1st (2010). I tend to get distracted doing things that are useless instead of working on it. I will play on Facebook, watch TV or just open up a whole new project that will get ignored. Setting that deadline at the time seemed logical but really I had 3 busy kids, was nursing a newborn and was running a full time business. By late March I was depressed and angry that I had failed myself in finishing it. April 1st was really a slap in the face because I had let myself get to that date without completing much more than when I had set the goal date. I make a lot of deals with myself and that day was no different. I knew I couldn't finish my book in a day so I bargained out an option. I decided something was going to happen at least in that direction THAT day. I figured it would have to be somewhat fast and simple. I plopped down and wrote two articles. One I was able to polish up, print and mail away. I stood at the mailbox and with every positive thought and faithful prayer I raised the red flag and threw it in the mailbox. Still disappointed for not having reached my real goal I was at least somewhat satisfied that I did at least something real by the end of my own proposed deadline. In the last few weeks that article was purchased by a major national magazine. I was paid the equivalent of $100 a minute for what it took me to write it. Most importantly, I know with complete understanding it was God's way of lining me up in the direction I am supposed to go. It was reassurance that these desires and wishes (often considered crazy ideas by many) are mine and my purpose. I have just the right tools for some specific jobs. I am more than willing to do them and use them but most often don't know where, how or when. I want to just float and let it happen but that is so much harder than it sounds. This one event has been such an eye opener to me that anything is better than nothing. A journey begins with a single step. I am always wildly leaping around. I just needed to stop and take a baby step in a new direction. I am so hopeful and excited to see what follows and what comes next!

Ms. Help

I work at Ryder's preschool two days a week. I love it. It reminds me of the parts I miss and loved deeply about being a teacher. It also gives me a chance to be there as HIS mom. I think kids get something special about having their moms around to show off. Funny how that is so true at age three yet it takes on a new form by age teenager. He introduced me as, "That's my mom. She is my special girl because I commed out her tummy". There is not a nicer or more genuine compliment I could receive than being claimed by someone. I find in my day that I laugh and love the things kids do hourly. Sometimes it's my own, sometimes is someone's monster in the grocery store. They are all fabulous. I find it hysterical that Ryder wants to rock out in the car, that the little girl in the grocery store is dancing down the aisle or that Izze and her friend would trade their left arms for Starbucks. I love that Charlotte says, "err ooo rrr" when I go to get her out of bed, that Abbi has reached a level of maturity and responsibility that she knows exactly where she needs to be and what needs to go there with her. I love that she wants to "love many, trust few and row her own canoe". I love that Charlotte likes to be a part of "it". It doesn't matter what "it" is. She needs to be right in the middle. She turns around and backs up with her little booty sticking out. She plops that thing down in the middle of everything. She does it most at the preschool. She goes with me most of the time and LOVES being there. Her favorite activity is to sample all the kids water bottles. That is a story of it's own. Several weeks ago she discovered Dylan. Dylan is the cutest little fella. He is just one of those kids you want to hug. He has fluffy curly blond hair and eludes a surfer dude attitude. Charlotte LOVES him! She is head over heels smitten. She is constantly searching for him to hug, love and sit on. He is so kind and gentle and just accomodates her love. He pays special attention to making sure she gets everything she wants while we are there. The whole thing fascinates me. If there is a tight crowd of kids she will wiggle through and find him. She doesn't even have to see his face. She just wiggles through and grabs onto his arm or leg. She just knows. As cute and funny as it is it's really taught me something. She trusts her heart. I find on a regular basis she is very choosy with people. She either loves you all the way or will tolerate you. It gives me a whole new perspective of the term, "it factor". There was a dad at a soccer game she was drawn too. She begged him to pick her up. She looked him right in the eye, gave him a giant hug and wiggled down. He was grinning ear to ear! He promptly turned to me and asked if it was alright. I knew in this day and age that came from both a place of panic and joy. He just had, "it". Anyway, back to the preschool. These kids are hysterical. Actually all kids are hysterical people just forget to see it sometimes. There is one kid that refuses to get his hands dirty. He won't touch slimy, wet, gooey... There is another that gives me updates each time I arrive. I very much look forward to these. The last one was, "my cousin is a doctor and has a bad case of i-a-reeah. Her flower has just been on fire". For weeks one told me, "My mama is a whoraasse". I would ask, "your mom is a horse?". She would say no. I would say, "your mom likes horses?" She would say no. I never asked the other. She said it 10 times every time I was there. I never have figured it out. Now she tells me her mom is going to bring her cookies. One little girl always wears her jacket upside down so the hood can keep her booty warm. They are so proud to share their stories, tell you about their dog or hear they did a good job. I don't want to live with them all but I just can't get over how much little people have to offer. Each and everyone of them is unique and different. However, the one thing they all have in common is that they call me, "Ms. Help". I have no idea how it started but it stuck. I hope with all my heart they never get it straight! I really love being Ms. Help.

Inspiration

A friend suggested to a me a website today. It changed me! I have to share it. His photos are emotional, gentle, romatic and just plain fantastic. I actually find myself holding my breath.

My favorite part was his story....

Lets face it. Love is an animal. Though my grandfather told me once that love is more like a bird, if you hold it tightly it dies, if you hold it slightly, it flies. People often ask me how I capture such intimacy in the couples I have the honor of photographing. The key is looking from a different perspective. I don’t see them as who they are that day, happy and carefree. I see them as they will be tomorrow. I see them in the road ahead, in both the good times and the bad and all that they will endure. Together. Some days there will be love made on the kitchen floor, and others there will be sleepless nights on the couch. I have known both.
I received a letter once from an old friend. She mentioned that she recently had her heart broke and could only wish to one day find someone that sees her the way that my couples see each other. How would she know when she has found the “one”? Trust me when I say that tender gaze, that almost kiss, does not come without work. There will be joy, there will be pain. I have known both. If you are reading this I want you to know that you are amazing. He is not. And this is my advice to you. Find a boy who calls you beautiful instead of hot. Who calls you back when you hang up on him. Who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead. Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats. Who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. You will know he is the one because he will apologize first even if he feels he was in the right, because being right won’t matter if you go to bed angry. When you tell a joke he will laugh out loud. He will constantly be reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have found you. He will turn to his friends and say, ‘that’s her.’
This is the bird that my grandfather spoke of. When you find this bird hold onto it but remember to give it room to grow. Room to breathe. Do this together. And when you find him, call me. I want to photograph it.
My name is Clayton Austin. I am just a man and I tend to see things better with my eyes closed.

Make your day a little brighter. Take a look...
http://claytonaustinlovestories.com

Today was just one of those days...

Today was just one of those days. Actually, the last two have been. My hubby is out of town so our schedule is off. I have been going to bed late and barely sleeping. I have a bad habit of taking on others pain and stress. It's not always a bad thing but when you are worried about characters you saw in a movie it's a little much. Over the weekend an old friend of mine was drugged and beaten on her way home from dress shopping and having a drink with a friend. She has been unable to remember anything and can barely walk. The police were not helpful and she is scared. The fear and uncertainty she is feeling is uncomprehendable to me. You just never know what kind of both good and bad surprises life has for you. The questions and what if's that have to be running through her head have been running through mine as well. Last night both my big girls came home with horror stories of what teachers had said to or about them. I can be quite a pushover and find it hard to stand up for myself. The difference is when it comes to my kids I come out swinging. I like to think I do so in a level headed and effectively appropriate aggressive way...hee hee. However, the anger, frustration and struggle is the still there. I want to take it ALL on for them. I want to right the wrongs and clear the path for them. If they hurt themselves I want to fix them. If they lose their way I will run to the ends of the earth to find them. It's more than I can bear sometimes when an adult and worse yet a teacher is who hurt them. I went to bed angry with my head spinning and woke up just about the same. I spent an hour in the high school admin office waiting for the Principal while entertaining Charlotte. By the time he got to me she had thrown in the towel. A receptionist witnessed my struggle with her and gave me a little bag of Cheez-It crackers. That helped for about 40 seconds. Nothing was really resolved in my quick meeting with the Principal so I left a trail of crumbs and left. Getting back into to car I was feeling very defeated. Before I was out of the parking lot I heard Charlotte dump that bag of crackers all over herself and down into her car seat. Any parent knows the treasures that can be found in the depths of a childs carseat can be horrifying. I got a few things accomplished I had been putting off and Charlotte took a nap. A friend recommended a website. It was so spectacular and amazing I am forever changed. It was so poetic and inspiring. Even though it was inspiring I ended up crying several times. I had to keep wiping my eyes so I could keep looking at pictures and reading. Feeling a ton better after spending literally hours on the website and related blog we went to pick up Ryder from school. I caught a glimps of myself in a reflection. The morning had been very rushed and I was lucky to get a shower. I had thrown my hair up into a stringy wet pony tail. I was starving and my face looked like I had been crying for a week. Ryder had a hard time leaving because he couldn't find his "monster paper". We searched for it, pretty much woke up all the kids napping and ended up leaving without it. I bumped Charlotte's head leaving the school before putting her in her carseat. As I backed out to close her door I spotted those Cheez-Its she had spilled earlier. I grabbed a few and tossed them in my mouth. As I got in the passenger seat Ryder said, "Hey! Wait! I want an orange snack! Where did you get it?" I reached back and grabbed a handful of Cheez-Its out of her seat from him. I lifted her leg and grabbed a few more for myself. I chuckled and looked at myself in the rear view mirror. Some days everything goes your way and other days it seems logical to eat orange snacks out of the toddlers carseat abyss. Today was just one of those days.

Keeping Daddy Alive! Woot woot!

Since the whole heart incident went down we have changed our ways! My cholesterol has always been low as has my blood pressure. They usually take my blood pressure twice because it's so low they think they messed up. Matt's was at the top of 'normal' but had an artery shut down, a 99% blockage and now has a big fat stent. He will be on medication for the rest of his life for both cholesterol and blood pressure. However, we brought 4 more beings into the world that got an equal share of both sets of our genes. Who will get the curse of the cholesterol or blood pressure...???? Even though his issue was hereditary we have transformed our families entire diet. Our offspring are going to need to be well educated and eat healthy foods for a lifetime. Well, don't we all?! My goal is for them to actually like it. The day Matt got home from the hospital I went through the cabinets and fridge. I threw out everything that was not a benefit to us. I filled a trash can with mayo, ranch, coffee creamer, ice cream...etc. I have since replaced everything with a "skinny" healthy version. Don't get me wrong, I really don't think we ate badly before but there was certainly room for improvement. For example, when we ate at Taco Bell we chose a chicken burro. Now we choose to drive on by :) I love to cook with lots of fresh whole foods and have a huge garden every year. Traveling for soccer is where we usually fail. After Matt got the stent the cardiologist told us not to go nuts but to use our basic 5th grade health education when eating. Have a salad for dinner, don't eat after 7:00, eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains, eat ice cream...on your birthday. He didn't prescribe a specific diet to him just a smart one. We felt fairly aggressive was really better for everyone on a lot of fronts. I have since made better use of my bi-weekly Bountiful Basket and have a habit of reading the labels. A person in normal health shouldn't have more than 300mg of cholesterol a day, someone like Matt 200 mg. A teeny little container of Ben and Jerry's has 110 mg per serving (2 servings per container). We have quit using cheese which at first was much like giving up my arms. We have identified restaurants that have good choices for when we are busy or traveling for the kids sports. It's actually been a bit fun and challenging. Throughout the last 20 years I have dieted in some way or another a lot. I could always talk myself into or out of anything. It's different this time. We almost needed the punch in the mouth to get us fully commited to eating well, all the time. I was raised with perspective of, "Heck! You only live once! You might as well". Because of that I have had a lot of great experiences. But with food that's tricky. We also always used special occasions and holidays as excuses. After years of that you just start to say to yourself it's okay and you'll change your ways Monday. That infamous "Monday" has become one of our favorite jokes! After soccer last weekend we took the kids and Abbi's friend to a pizza place. The plan was for Matt and I share to a hearty salad and let the kids have pizza. That was a fine plan until that hot, steamy, cheesy pizza is dumped down in front of you! Poor Matt. I can eat it but shouldn't. The kids shouldn't and he can't. It was like he had just been given a bowl of brussel sprouts in lieu of a birthday cake. I shouted out, "Can I get a woot woot for keeping Daddy alive?". All the kids hollered, "woot woot!". He laughed, straightened up a bit and we all ate. Since that night anytime we are having a boring salad for dinner or choosing the "grilled chicken sandwich hold the mayo, hold the cheese, hold the fries" or the egg white omelet no cheese veggies only I shout out for a "woot woot". His near death (and didn't even know it) experience was scary. Our strength as a family and the gift of him in our lives is worth holding on tightly to. So, hold the cheese please!

Whoa! Didn't see that coming!

The events September brought into our home were defining, stupendous, magnificant, spectacular, horrible, scary and humbling.

Matt tells me one morning, "if anything even happens to me remember you will have insurance for a year, life insurance though the fire department, my retirement..." I thought it was odd that he just thought to give me a very clear and concise rundown of exactly what would happen in the event of his death. He doesn't remember our checking account number but gave me a 10 minute exact description of services. I figured he had just been to a benefits meeting or something at work. Soon after he told me that he had some chest pain while working out and made a doctors appointment. He meant like right then. He walked out the door. He wasn't sure if it was just the effects of a cold and cough or if there was something real. A friend of his, and fellow firefighter, recently had a heart attack so he was feeling nervous. He came home from the doc with instructions to see a cardiologist the following day. He went by himself and had a full set of tests run. Everything looked great. His cholesterol was at the top of the normal range, not considered high. His echocardiagram looked good and all other tests presented "normal". He continued to feel chest pain if stressing himself. They decided to do a stress test. He aced the stress test coming in 2nd only to a Marathon runner. The pain did return so they did one final "extra" test. It was a nuclear dye test. Nothing was picked up as a concern so he left. A week later he went in for a review of all the tests. The prognosis was concerning. The doc said that final test had shown a small area that may not have been getting enough blood in his heart. That was usually the result of some sort of blockage. He was scheduled for an angiogram (to look), possibly an angioplasty (to open it), and potentially a stent. At the old ripe age of 37 he was feeling very discouraged. A blockage would be the result of bad genes and untreated high cholesterol. Expect...his cholesterol numbers fit in their box. Discouraging. A few days later he went in for the procedure. About 45 minutes into it they came out to tell me that he had chronic issues. Of the three arteries bringing blood to his heart one was great, one was gone and one was blocked! WHAT! My first question was, "What do you mean gone?". Turns out that one had been blocked in the past. His body compensated by creating it's own intricate bypass system. It's something the cardiologist said takes time. He normally see's it in someone 70 years old because of the time it takes to create. So, this is not new. It means he has been in trouble since his 20's. The next question from me was regarding the 3rd artery blockage and whether it would be stented. That artery was 99% occluded (blocked). Just 1% away from failing. The process for the stent should have taken 45 minutes. Instead it took about 3 hours. He had a bizarre 'loop de loop' they had to naviagate around. Turning sharp corners with instruments, wires, stents and the like is tricky. The doctor was spectacular and got the job done. He opened everything up and placed three stents equalling roughly 40mm. He would have just gotten one but none would fit around that funny turn. He built one out of three. He also opened up an area down from that was comprimised as well. A patch of tape covered the small hole in his groin and to recovery he went. From that point forward every doctor, nurse, lab tech and custodian stopped by to say, "What! Wow! You are too young". Their concerns were genuine but that wore on him quickly. Yes! He is too young. Far too young! However, the fact it was found and fixed BEFORE he just dropped dead is a flat out miracle. How he hadn't already had a heart attack we have no idea. How all those tests showed normal results irritates me. The cardiologist said very matter of factly, "I don't know how we didn't kill you on the treadmill!" He said his case has changed his practice. His age, no warning signs, the test results in combination with such radical issues is jaw dropping. It turns out as well that the final test that showed "maybe something" is not usually a test insurance will cover. They want them to stop at the treadmill. However, it saved his life. Matt was very private about the pain, concerns and surgery. Now he is very open about it. He feels that he might just be the blessing that saves other lives. Had it not been for his friend that shared he would have never given his own pain a second thought! He was the poster child for psychological responses! He was scared, then he was mad that everyone has always said his cholesterol numbers were acceptable and now here he was getting heart surgery because of them. Confused followed and was quickly replaced with shock. He felt very fragile and "old" for a day or so and then transformation occured. He had been really quiet and mellow for like two weeks. Two days after the surgery he jumped off the couch and said, "I have to tell everyone. I have to save other people! If Pat had acted like this I would be dead!" Following that statement he spent the next 3 days on the phone. We should have bought stock in his cardiologists business. That man's phone is ringing off the hook!

Plllltttthhhh!!! (Translation: big fat raspberry)

September brought a bizarre and...dumb chain of events! We had a funky run of "funk". Weird and inconvenient things happened pretty much daily. First, the broken clock. My hubby's grandma died in April. He grew up very close to his "Mamaw" and "Papaw". He is quite sentimental and wanted a clock from her house. Growing up the sound of that clock summed up "grandma's house". Matt's dad was in Kentucky cleaning out her house and so we had him send it by UPS out to us. I arranged everything and Matt's dad and uncle packed it up and dropped it off. We learned in this process that the words THIS END UP and FRAGILE mean nothing! UPS managed to drop the 6 foot grandfather clock on its side. Not only was it damaged, it was broken in half! The amount of work this has caused me is totally unbelieveable. Their system is set up to take absolutely no fault. I have spent so much time on the phone and gathering "evidence" I feel I am now a bit of a clock expert. At this point our claim (which I had to fight for almost a month now just to be considered) is being considered. The hardest part was picking it up here in Flagstaff. It still smelled like her house but instead of being this solid remberence (on the hour, every hour) of their home and their lives, it's two box's of old wood and clock parts. It can be fixed but the senitmental value for my hubby will never be the same.

Next...the walking dead man! (this event deserves a post all of it's own)

Then just a handful of YUCK! (really it's more like a big scoop... not a handful)

I was at Fry's grocery store with Ryder and Charlotte. She is getting really heavy so I stopped in the parking lot to put her in a cart. I was standing in the "cart corral" buckling her. Ryder was standing right next to me also in the corral. I was just starting to pull the basket out when I got whacked with a cart right in the butt. It hit me right in the tailbone. I quickly turned around and saw a man getting into a red car looking at me. He had only one leg in the car and was looking right at me. He was in the space just a few feet from the corral. He was just staring at me emotionless. He had shoved his cart in while I was standing in it. I am not sure if he was intentionally trying to hit me but there was really no other outcome possible. I don't think I am hard to see, I am far from tiny. Stunned was all I felt at the time. My head was racing. This year has been a super rough one for my body. After having a baby, falling down a flight of stairs (bouncing all the way on my tailbone) and then falling down a driveway while snow blowing my pelvis and hip areas have needed extensive love. After numerous x-rays and an MRI I was diagnosed with Chronic Accute Sacroillitis. In June I had SI injections (giant needles inserted directly into my sacroilliac joints (where your hips join your tailbone) guided by a live xray and physical therapy 2-3 times a week for 6 months. This man had no idea what his little stunt could have done to me. What are the odds!? Arghh. I just moved his cart, backed out mine and walked towards the store. I looked back to see him watching me from his car. My only thought at the time was to pout out my lip and drop my head. Yep! I was full on pouting! I didn't really have it in me to be mad...yet! Later I thought of a million choice hand gestures, phrases and acts of violence I could have chosen. I still don't understand what he was thinking!

The 3rd Thursday of September was the kick-off to MOPS. It's a group of mommies all seeking community, friendship and something to prod them on in their daily lives home with preschoolers. I discovered this group when my big girls were little and I took a leave of absence from teaching. I started attending again last year after having Charlotte. I had fallen into a routine where everyday spilled into the next. I didn't have the energy to drag my kids anywhere or even get dressed. I was running a full time real estate business from home but the market had crashed so I had a lot of time on my hands. The thought of grocery shopping with these two new little ones was too much. After I was finished with the pity party for myself I looked up a new MOPS group. Funny what having two sets of kids does to you. It's often like I live two totally seperate lives at the exact same time. Anyway, I woke up excited for the MOPS kick off only to find I couldn't turn my head! Arghhh! That happens about once a year. I went anyway and tried to get as much out of it and have as much fun as I could. This was just a few days after Matt's huge scary heart incident so this neck thing was kind of the gnat on the final straw that broke the camels back. I really shouldn't have been driving with my neck like that but I was. When it was over I walked back to my car to find it had been wrecked. Hit and run! We have decent insurance but it comes with a decent deductible. So, because someone decided to leave me all their paint instead of a note we get to share a car for a week and fork up the deductible to get it fixed. The bumper is messed up as is the tailgate. So, I am super glad we have insurance because it's not going to be cheap.

While dropping off or picking up (I made so many trips that weekend I have no idea) Abbi I pulled a super stupid move! Super stupid! I was leaving a soccer field at NAU. I was turning left onto a main drag while steering with one hand. The other hand was busy! Whah! Yup...cell phone. I was trying to dial my phone while turning into an intercection (Yes, I know. Every part of me agrees). The next thing I know I am airborn and my surburban is bouncing and flying all over the place. I had managed to climb a curb with BOTH my right tires at the same time. However, I think they only jumped up and right back down. Something in Isabelle's cup holder splashed out and all over her. Whatever it was smelled bad (that will teach her not to leave yucky old crap in there). The worst part was the poor innocent old woman that happened to be on the sidewalk! She was quite upseat, I really did almost hit her. I actually looked her right in the eye before jerking my wheel and landing back down on the road. I couldn't help but laugh at the face she made. There was nothing funny about it but HOLY COW! Isabelle lectured me for the next 20 minutes and declared I was a horrible driver. Seriously, she just witnessed me hit and jump a huge curb super and nearly killed someone while using my phone. I think she is correct. Later I discovered I had taken a big chunk out of each spendy aluminum rim and ripped both tires. The tires on there were just replaced. I don't think my stupidity is covered under the warranty.


A few days later after having lunch with Matt I made a comment about how I had a weird rash on my pinky. I showed him. Little red ouchies all along the inside of my left pinky. I noticed a blister and questioned what was rubbing it. I looked over to the next finger, my ring finger. Ahhhh!!!! No!!!! My diamond was gone! It must have fallen out days before to have caused that irritation. Usually when "new crap" appears I laugh and think to myself, "bring it on!" Not that day. That day I just looked out the window on the way home and put the ring away. That ring symolizes a lot for me. It's more important to me than my actual wedding ring. For our 10th anniversary we went on a trip and renewed our vows. We got married (the first time) really young. The vows that preceeded that ring meant a lot more to me than the first round :) Someone told me once that you don't choose to be married once. You choose it everyday. That trip sort of marked a new beginning. I understood more what marriage really meant and what I was choosing. I love that ring! Not for the material factor but for what it represented to me.


I declared that the first day of Fall was going to bring a new fresh start. Only good things are in line headed our way! I am settling for nothing less.

The first day of Fall I went to pick up our tax return from our accountant. What!? A refund? We haven't had a refund in over 6 years. This one is a doosie too! Woo hoo! Can't wait to see what else is headed our way!

There are worms everywhere!

Once in awhile (alright, alright...often!) there are events in our life that are a bit out of the ordinary. They also seem to occur simultanously which is generally makes the series of events a lot more exciting. I am certain folks that lead boring, normal lives hear of these accounts and just decide we must be pathological liars. I do understand this. I think if I were on the outside looking it I would think we were a bunch of wacko's too. It started out just exciting, not weird. Unusual but in a great way! We have this boy that is 100% male. I swear Testosterone actually leaks out of him and puddles around his feet. I always believed that boys are girls were created as a pair and were of course different. However, I did believe a lot of the differences had to do with parental and environmental influences. After this fella entered our lives I couldn't disagree more. I do believe those things have an influence but I far more convinced it just wiring. From an early age ( a few days old, just kidding) this boy has been intersted in bikes, skateboards, motorcycles, jeeps, dirt, rocks, knives, guns, punching, wrestling. He was tiny in a little infant seat and would crane his neck around to see a motorcycle he could hear. He has been really early to do a lot of very risky and daring things. At 2 years old could climb a 6 foot fence, balance on a skateboard and climb the fridge by scaling the front. Before his 3rd birthday he could land a flip on a trampoline, perform tricks on a skateboard and climb full size trees. Today at 3 1/2 he rode a full sized bike without training wheels. It took 5 minutes or so working with daddy to get it right. However, within 1/2 hour he was riding the full street. We were of course cheering him on and recording his "first" big accomplishment on a 2 wheeler. After he rode around a bit he hopped off and stated, "I am ready for a motorcycle". Oh no! When he has asked to have a motorcycle for the last year we always tell him you get one after you learn to ride a 2 wheel big boy bike! He remembered that and now thinks it's time! This boy has only been out of diapers for a few months and is "ready" for a motorcycle. For daddy this was a big day! Everyone had gone in the house but me. I was outside on the phone in a fairly serious conversation. I heard the door slam so I looked around the corner to see what was up. Izze is throwing her arms all around yelling something. Finally what she was saying hit me! "There are worms EVERYWHERE", she was screaming. I quickly ended my conversation and headed inside. I knew WHAT worms I just didn't know WHY. That is in itself weird I know.I have an indoor organic vermipost worm farm I keep in our spa room. I put all of our compostables in the bin and the worms turn it into "black gold". The black gold is then used in my garden. It's actually quite cool and sanitary but mortifies some. We have had a few worm incidences in the past so I really was prepared for anything. There really were worms "everywhere". There was just one here and there and there and there... I couldn't figure out how they got out of the bin and literally everywhere. Matt and I ran around and picked them all up while Izze stood on the couch screaming and pointing them out. Ryder followed me around and kept trying to step on them as I was picking them up. Turns out someone had left that door open and Charli had wandered in and had taken off the lid again (she has done this a ton this week). But this time she pulled out a head of lettuce I had thrown in there and then took it on a trip around the house. She swung and flipped that lettuce that HAD been covered in worms finally dumping it in the living room. She took them on quite the trip and explains how they were all so spread out. The puppy ran around in between our legs as were cleaning them up and while Ryder was attempting to stomp them. I am sure he picked up any stragglers. Ryder says Charli ate one but I am pretending we didn't hear that! Even if she did I have learned one thing in my life. That which doesn't kill you usually just gives you the runs! Ha!

Karma

The idea of Karma is that all deeds are viewed as actively shaping past, present, and future experiences. I don't really believe in Karma. However, the cycle of cause and effect seemed to be actively present in my day. I felt like I didn't like I slept a wink despite being exhausted from spending the previous day at the fair. Labor Day is supposed to be one of those "relaxing" days where everyone just hangs out, sleeps in, eats fun food and doing useless things for longer than necessary. Somehow though, those plans never seem to translate out right. Abbi wanted to get to a sale that started at 7:00 so I knew sleeping in wasn't going to happen. However, after a night of muscial beds I was awakened at 6:00am by a sound I know all too well. It was a super loud, super gooey, super powerful sneeze. One of those that my first response is, "OH NO!" I rolled over and peeled my eyes open to see Ryder standing next to me with walrus boogers! Arghhh! No!!! Before I could intervene he had reached down and wiped his face on our comforter! I drug myself out of bed and headed downstairs with him. What did he want to do at 6:00am? Watch the IRON MAN DVD I had rented! In two days we have watched this movie about 200 times. I enjoyed it the first 2 times but the next 198 took me to the brink. For some reason it really struck him and he adores it! I made coffee and tried to wake up a bit. With coffee in hand Abbi and I headed to the sale at 7:00am. While there Aunt Flo decided to pay me a visit. How convenient! We ended up at the store for 3 hours! It was a great sale. Therefore, the nuts were out in full force. People were clogging the aisles, pushing baskets out of their way and just acting stupid. There was a giant line to use the dressing rooms. One lady had even resorted to squeezing herself into various things while still wearing her clothes and spinning over and over in front of a warper mirror in a corner. I found that wildly entertaining! Abbi tried on about 100 things because nothing seems to ever fit her! Welcome to my world baby, sorry. She was lucky enough to really hit the mother load of deals! The cashier we got had broken her thumb the day before and had a bandage the size of a roll of paper towels. She was really struggling to accomplish anything. She messed up my payment which required several other workers to intervene to get it corrected. I had only had coffee before leaving so I was really starving and ready to get out of there. On the way home I remembered I needed to buy a birthday present for my great neice. We raced to buy a present from a store that had huge lines at the check out. There was some sort of conflict that landed us at their store also far longer than necessary. Afterwards I raced it to my sisters house to drop it off. When I finally got home around 11:00 I walked in to find tiny little Tootsie Doodies. Apparently no one had let the dog out while I was gone! By this point I had my fill of the super fun relaxing events the Labor Day Holiday was delivering. I stomped off to the bathroom and slammed the door. Now, let me preface this next account with some family history. I have no idea how or why but every toilet seat we have in every house breaks. All of them! Even the ones in the bathrooms only small people use. My hypothesis is that "someone" is standing on them in the unsupported areas. Why? I have no idea but it has happened in the last 4 houses! Either way it seems that we procrastinate in replacing them... far longer than necessary! I plopped myself down totally annoyed that I had to clean up poop and boogers all before lunch. Wouldn't you know it, that lovely broken toilet seat jumped up and grabbed a handful of my super white stretch marked covered upper thigh and pinched the fire out if it! I was yelping, screaming and hollering all at the same time! That just about pushed me right over the edge when I heard Matt yell out, "Nice! It got me yesterday!" Ha! I sat there and just laughed! After getting over myself and my bummer attitude I admired my eyebrow that does seem to be growing back some and laughed some more. I exited the bathroom with a new outlook and attitude! Apparently I had needed a reset. I had allowed several insignificant events to spiral me in the Whineville. No matter what is "planned" there are some days that just go well and some that will just bite you on the ass!