Ahhh, Poop!

This post is dedicated to poop! If you are not a tolerable fan of poop you might move on.

There seems to be more bodily excrement in my life today than normal. First I wake up this morning to Ryder saying, "Why do I have a diaper on? We talked about this! I am 4 years old. No more of these. I am going to be so mad to you". Well, I put one on him after he pee'd on me in his sleep. Actually I do sneak one on him every night because he just sleeps so hard he can't control it. Then this morning Charlotte threw a brown baseball over the gate on the stairs at me while hollering, "Thtinky". I noticed then that she had taken her diaper off and already laid a nice little pile of doo on top of it. By the time I reached her I quickly realized she had it EVERYWHERE. I had to give her a quick bath and then clean it all up. Ryder was totally horrified which actually made it bearable. His reaction was quite hysterical. Next, I walk into the living room to find the dog had just pee'd. I scolded him and put him outside and had to clean that up. Luckily I got a two hour break while I taught art at the preschool. It was a good day in preschool land. I think most days are good days when leaving because inevitably one of them says or does something that catches me off guard. I love the things they come up with. Today one of the little girls kept flashing her "debit card". She wouldn't leave it alone. It turns out it was a gift card to Victoria's Secret. Ha! So funny, especially the particular individual that had it. All the kids were impressed at her possession of the treasured debit card. I picked up lunch on the way home. Matt and I were eating at our dining room table when Charlotte stood up in her high chair and announced, "B" and proceeded to pee all over herself. I cleaned that up, gave her a diaper and continued on with lunch. A few minutes later she climbed up on the table so she could reach the "dip". She LOVES salsa so we can keep her occupied for longer than normal with dip. She has this habit of losing her diaper in a matter of nano seconds. She is certainly ready for potty training but at this point it's not clicking and is just hazardous. It is common to hear someone in our house (several times a day) to say, "Charlotte! Where is your diaper?" While eating salsa she somehow lost the diaper, stood up and pee'd right on Matt's lunch. I was just stunned but he howled hysterically. That should encourage her not to do it again in the future. I put ANOTHER diaper on her and took her upstairs for a nap. As soon as I got to the stairs I realized the brown ball this morning was not the only one. She had throw a ton more up the stairs. Someone had stepped in it and spread it along. Hmmmm...Hello! Isn't poop kind of hard to miss? I scrubbed it all up and really hope that was the last of it. A few weeks ago she walked in while I was on the phone and said something while laying a steamy log on my leg. She was so, so proud. I hung up and took her with me to flush it. We made a big party of it. She is aware she needs to go and knows when it is happening. We just need it all to occur in a different manner. With her being our fourth it honestly barely phases me. To a non-parent or someone that hasn't experienced the adventure of potty training this all must be horrifying. I know it's a phase and I know I will think it's extra funny later. Abbi pee'd in my ear while I was laying down when she was the same age. Izze pooped in my mouth when she was 10 days old (that was such a good one I included it in our Christmas newsletter) and Ryder stood up while eating dinner and pee'd right on his own dinner because he didn't want to eat it when he was just 3 years old. So, It's noon and I have been awake for 5 hours with about 10 hours left awake. I hope the remaining 2/3 of the day are free from #1, #2 and Lord willing #5 free!

**Abbi used to say she had to go #5 when she was feeling...sick.

8:57pm: EDIT
Believe it or not I have to add more! I put Charlotte to bed around 7:30. She fussed on and off for a half hour. When I went in I had left her light on! Argh! So much for sleeping when your mom leaves your light on. Anyway, I quickly noticed something on the floor. I asked her what it was and she answered, "poop". Awesome. She was naked. Her jammies on the floor, the diaper on the floor and two turds on the floor. I cleaned her up, dressed her again, washed her hands, laid her back down, and removed the poop. Good night Charlotte. Seriously, good night!

EDIT #2:
The very next day she pooped on Abbi's floor and then lined it up on her bed! Ha ha! Abbi was NOT happy about it! I find it hysterical!

Awesome!

I was looking at Abbi's pictures on Facebook and ran across this one! I love my legs! I am standing at the sink in the background. Apparently they were warping themselves on my computer in my office. I am totally into whatever I was doing with these mile long legs. Cracked me up! What got me next is in the background of the background Charlotte is ON her highchair tray. Super safe! These are my favorite kind of photos! This is real life!

Hello! Woo hoo! Over here!

I first noticed it in high school. I worked at a "cookie store". I spent a year or two eating and selling hot gooey cookies at Grandma Buffalo's Chips (man to have that metabolism again!). It would happen often that a customer would look behind them in bewilderment while I attempted to help them from behind the counter. It always surprised me and my first thought was, "Duh! There is no one else there". However, over time I noticed a pattern. It always happened when I stood in the same place. In time I discovered that at the perfect distance if I look at someone, directly in the eye, they think I am not. It appears to them I am looking through or past them. They will look behind them, stand confused or point to themselves in question. My favorite is when then just furrow their brow and wince a little. Backing up or turning my head usually seemed to make their discomfort go away. It bugged me though because I was still looking them directly in the eye! A year or so later I was forced to sketch myself in a college drawing class. It was then I discovered "my issue". Okay...one of my issues! One eye is offset. It's crooked! Not like pointing the wrong way but like it stepped to the left! Seriously! I read once that Christi Brinkley is perfectly beautiful because she is symmetrical, both halves of her face are exactly the same. The Greeks even sculpted and painted people this way. Identical halves are ideal. Well, I missed that boat. I am asymmetrical! I am two different people glued together with this eye that stepped to the left. Anyway, I notice it at an exact distance somewhere around 3-4 feet. They have to be standing directly in front of me. I have experimented with which way to turn, tilt or lift my head. Apparently I have mastered it because it's only rarely that I notice it now. However, every now and again some poor fool will point to themselves or look behind them. It's just one of the things that makes me uniquely me. I really believed that was the extent of it and attempted to limit the self-conciousness of it. Well, I was wrong! One day Matt says, "Where are you looking?" I laughed and assumed my position. He asked again before explaining one eye had made a detour while we were talking. Crap! Now it floats around! That sucks! In time I have pinpointed that issue as well. It appears to occur only when I am tired. Lucky for me I don't notice it. It's not like I see two different directions at once. But...how cool would that be? Cool. Once in awhile just to razz me he will jump around and ask if I can still see him. Ha ha! It's a funny quirky thing that feels like a fun party trick that only I am party to. To my surprise by accident I recorded it...well sort of. I took a picture with the camera on my phone of my friend and I in Vegas. After uploading it to Facebook and reviewing it later I nearly wet myself in laughter! In this photo it looks FAKE! It looks like a knockoff glass eye! As much as this makes me odder than I already am, I LOVE IT! I love knowing I have the power to make people oddly uncomfortable by standing still. If you spend enough time with me one day it might just spin wildly in circles. I guess you will just have to wait in uncomfortable and nervous anticipation for which it might be!

I am serious!

Did you know they make bandages, bandages for your eyeball? Well, I didn't. Now I do. While sitting uneventfully as the passenger in our car I tore my cornea. I rubbed my eye pretty gently and that was it. I ended up with this bandaid for 24 hours, had it replaced and got a second for another 24 hours. While the scientific wonder of it was enough to make me totally forget about how bad my eye hurt without it I never thought about possible risks or side effects. One doozie of an adverse reaction surfaced the second evening. My doctor explained the bandaid as a clear sponge that would hold eye drop anti-biotics on it while it healed. That made sense. The whole sponge concept really made sense after I cut onions while making dinner! Yowza! Whatever horrible poison that normally bothers my eyes during that process was then soaked up by my super cool mad science clear eye sponge! It burned and tortured me for hours! But it wasn't a waste of an experience. I learned that you produce totally different tears in reaction to onions. It's the tears that actually burn. Whatever was trapped there continued to cause those tears. It totally sucked but in the end I am totally grateful to know that fun fact!

There are worms everywhere!

Once in awhile (alright, alright...often!) there are events in our life that are a bit out of the ordinary. They also seem to occur simultanously which is generally makes the series of events a lot more exciting. I am certain folks that lead boring, normal lives hear of these accounts and just decide we must be pathological liars. I do understand this. I think if I were on the outside looking it I would think we were a bunch of wacko's too. It started out just exciting, not weird. Unusual but in a great way! We have this boy that is 100% male. I swear Testosterone actually leaks out of him and puddles around his feet. I always believed that boys are girls were created as a pair and were of course different. However, I did believe a lot of the differences had to do with parental and environmental influences. After this fella entered our lives I couldn't disagree more. I do believe those things have an influence but I far more convinced it just wiring. From an early age ( a few days old, just kidding) this boy has been intersted in bikes, skateboards, motorcycles, jeeps, dirt, rocks, knives, guns, punching, wrestling. He was tiny in a little infant seat and would crane his neck around to see a motorcycle he could hear. He has been really early to do a lot of very risky and daring things. At 2 years old could climb a 6 foot fence, balance on a skateboard and climb the fridge by scaling the front. Before his 3rd birthday he could land a flip on a trampoline, perform tricks on a skateboard and climb full size trees. Today at 3 1/2 he rode a full sized bike without training wheels. It took 5 minutes or so working with daddy to get it right. However, within 1/2 hour he was riding the full street. We were of course cheering him on and recording his "first" big accomplishment on a 2 wheeler. After he rode around a bit he hopped off and stated, "I am ready for a motorcycle". Oh no! When he has asked to have a motorcycle for the last year we always tell him you get one after you learn to ride a 2 wheel big boy bike! He remembered that and now thinks it's time! This boy has only been out of diapers for a few months and is "ready" for a motorcycle. For daddy this was a big day! Everyone had gone in the house but me. I was outside on the phone in a fairly serious conversation. I heard the door slam so I looked around the corner to see what was up. Izze is throwing her arms all around yelling something. Finally what she was saying hit me! "There are worms EVERYWHERE", she was screaming. I quickly ended my conversation and headed inside. I knew WHAT worms I just didn't know WHY. That is in itself weird I know.I have an indoor organic vermipost worm farm I keep in our spa room. I put all of our compostables in the bin and the worms turn it into "black gold". The black gold is then used in my garden. It's actually quite cool and sanitary but mortifies some. We have had a few worm incidences in the past so I really was prepared for anything. There really were worms "everywhere". There was just one here and there and there and there... I couldn't figure out how they got out of the bin and literally everywhere. Matt and I ran around and picked them all up while Izze stood on the couch screaming and pointing them out. Ryder followed me around and kept trying to step on them as I was picking them up. Turns out someone had left that door open and Charli had wandered in and had taken off the lid again (she has done this a ton this week). But this time she pulled out a head of lettuce I had thrown in there and then took it on a trip around the house. She swung and flipped that lettuce that HAD been covered in worms finally dumping it in the living room. She took them on quite the trip and explains how they were all so spread out. The puppy ran around in between our legs as were cleaning them up and while Ryder was attempting to stomp them. I am sure he picked up any stragglers. Ryder says Charli ate one but I am pretending we didn't hear that! Even if she did I have learned one thing in my life. That which doesn't kill you usually just gives you the runs! Ha!

Out the mouth of Ry!

Early in the week Ryder was watching Like Mike on TV. It's a cute little movie about an orphan that finds a pair of Michael Jordan's shoes that were hit by lightening. When he wears them he plays basketball, "like Mike". Ryder was mesmorized by the movie. I am not even sure he blinked. Afterwards he got my keys and told me we needed to go get him "some tricky shoes". I finally figured out he was asking me to find him shoes like in the movies. Every day since he has asked over and over for them. He is dead serious and wants to FLY! Sunday Matt is going to take him to find some. No harm in feeding that imagination! I guess we will just have to make sure he doesn't get disappointed.

I was dropping him off for school and I asked if we needed to blow his nose. His reply to me, "No. My burgers are gone and nothing is melting right now!" For the rest of my life when I get a runny nose I will think of that!

I was sitting at my desk and my foot was twisted to the side. He was sitting on the floor right by me and yelled, "GROSS!" I figured it was something the dog or the baby did. Nope! He was pointing to MY feet! My heel to be specific. I laughed and laughed. I really love flip flops but they don't love me and frankly my feet are gross!

This morning he woke up at 6:30. I was ignoring him hoping he would go back to sleep (of course he was in my bed). He grabbed my face and held it with both hands. He announced in a growl, "Mom! Did you forget to feed me dinner yesterday?". I guess he was hungry. I told him I had made him dinner but he chose not to eat it. He said to me, "That wasn't real food. I needed a real dinner".

Oops! I so didn't mean to do that!

Tomorrow is the first offical day back to school. My third is starting preschool, my second middle school and my first high school. The baby gets some time alone! Well, the high school first day has been delayed. There was flooding due to a rainstorm so she scored a few extra days. Either way, we treated today as the offical last day of summer! I went to the grocery store, did the laundry, cleaned the house and took a nap. The girls went to mall and blew all their summer earnings. Afterwards we started the summer makeovers! I gave both a new haircut (it's not torture, they actually prefer I cut it). We curled, twisted and sprayed practicing for what tomorrow morning would look like. After hair we moved to hair removal! I used to tease my husband when were dating that if we were to ever have kids we would have to dip them once a week in kerosene and light them on fire to keep the hair at bay! Ha! My family is just fuzzy, peach fuzzy. My dad has like 2 hairs on his chest but the women come with a layer of fur. To my dismay in time they also often grow a beard! His family comes with torso hair! Our kids are super lucky! He grows it everywhere he doesn't want it but no longer grows it on the top of his head. I have been waxing Abbi's (14) eyebrows for at least a year. Tonight, I did her first. When she was finished we talked Izze into a turn (11). She really wanted to but was scared. We convinced her it was worth it and away I went. The anticipation was like getting a shot or giving blood. She freaked! She wiggled, giggled, squirmed and screamed. I peeled her hands away from her face and applied the wax. She begged I tell her "when". So, I jerked the strip and yelled, "WHEN". She almost didn't let me do the other eye. When she was finished her eyebrows looked better but her face was hysterically red and blotchy. She said over and over, "That hurt! It hurt! So bad! I can't believe it!'. My reply to her, "Oh gee. You have a lot more to come sista!". The things we do to beautify! My son came out of the womb with a unibrow. I have wanted to rip it off for 3 years. After Izze calmed her rant I asked him if he wanted a turn. He said, "yup!" and hopped up. I laid the strip down and ripped right down the middle. He gave me an evil eye but calmly replied, "Ouch". I did a second strip and away he went. He said as he was getting down, "that hurt!". I told him it does but he looked magnificant. He turned and gave me double thumbs up. Everyone looked so good I figured I deserved a freshening too. I invited Izze to witness me rip my "moustache" off. We went in the bathroom and did just that. She was horrified but I pretended it didn't phase me. I followed the lip with the tops of each eyebrow and in between. By that point I was bored with the hours of beautification and was moving quickly. Two more rips and I could move on. I pulled the first strip and then just stood in awe of what I had just accomplished. My eyebrow...gone! Well, half of it! Bald and shiny skin left where there was once a perfectly fine and wild brow! Oops! I so didn't mean to do that! I invited both girls to evaluate my work. They were horified and in shock of my display. "What are you going to do? ",they asked. I replied, "This!" and ripped off the other! I figured I might as well match! I have done far worse things to myself than sacrifice 50% of a brow. In my 36 years I have mutilated nearly every part of me in some way or another. I am also aware there are multitudes of women that do this on purpose! So, for now I will DRAW in the missing halves. Hmmm....maybe I can finally have the perfectly arch like the eyebrows in magazines. Except they just might be as convincing using my black Sharpie!

Don't panic! It was my kid!

Getting 6 people anywhere on time and ready is always a chore. Our plan for Easter service at church was to be there about 20-30 minutes early. We figured it was a "hot" church day and we wanted to make sure we had time to get everyone settled. We started extra early but somehow managed to be racing out the door 10 minutes before it was to begin. I really have no concept of time and couldn't care less about being late. My husband on the other hand hates it! He will often refuse to go in or won't attempt to go at all if it looks like being late will be noticed or cause a scene. He does have a point that rolling into a room as a group of 6 is not usually missed. Luckily, the church is close to our house. We arrived, parked, unloaded, and got to the far side of the building and were scrambling to check in the kids in hopes of making less of a grand entrance during the beginning. The parking lot was full and they were closing doors. It was clear we were "last". I could hear the music beginning and expected to be hunting for empty seats in the dark. Just as I was signing in Ryder for his class, lights started flashing and a screeching siren sounded. I saw Matt's face immediately. It was priceless! He was already racing towards to door leading to the hallway. Honestly, I knew who was responsible! Ryder had pulled the fire alarm! The teachers were already evacuating classrooms and organizers were frantically searching for the source of emergency. I announced to each person with a look of panic on their face that it was a false alarm and that my son had pulled it. I continued with checking in the little ones. I was hoping to not have to take responsibility in front of the couple hundred that had stopped singing to evacuate! The best part is that Matt ran to the door of the kids area and just stood there like he didn't know what had happened! Ha! Later Ryder said, "I pull the thing and it said wee ooo wee oo!". Really, how would he know not to? It's bright red and eye level for him. It's typical for our family that not only would we not be early or even on time but that everyone would have to be evacuated because we arrived!