Sweet Dreams!

I want to sleep. Sleep all the way! The way it was intended. I desire to prepare, lay, gain benefit from the time and rise refreshed. Well, that never happens. Ever. It did but has failed to return. As a kid I remember the alarm going off for school. I was sure I had never been more comfortable in my whole life. When I couldn't take the sound anymore I would jump to shut it off and try to return to the exact same spot. It never seemed to work but I tried. The thing is, it did exist I just couldn't have it back. Now, it never exists. I am never comfortable, never all the way asleep and rarely refreshed. In the past I was a very wild sleeper. I would wake up upside down, in a different room, in different clothes and often confused. Surely that was pretty deep sleep for all that to occur. Now, I am listening to my kids breathe from their room downstairs, timing the heater or pinching Matt hoping to make him quit snoring. Side note: He has recently completed a sleep study that determined he does not sleep deeply enough. Well, you could have fooled me. He appears to be in a comma and sounds like a dang freight train. When I did sleep I had dreams that seemed so real they interfered with my daily life. I would think I had made appointments that I hadn't. I have been angry about things that never happened or I long to repeat an experience that in fact was a dream. Once I woke up SURE I had just set the worlds best piece of cheesecake on my nightstand. I spent a significant amount of time trying to locate it. It was not to be found under blankets, clothes, in the closet or anywhere else. To this day I wish someone hadn't come in my house and stolen it from me while I was waking up! Ha! In college I woke up in someone's bathroom. Later I learned I had taken all of their things and piled them in the corner. The entire medicine cabinet, shower curtain, rug...all piled up. As odd as that is I want it back! Unfortunately, as long as I am a mother I think I am stuck. I think part of it is subconscious because I need to be aware. But..now my kids do it! Ryder said in his sleep two nights ago, "Ka, ka, k, Turtle". Charlotte was in our bed and repeated back, "Ka, ka, ka". That woke him up and then he woke her up. They proceeded to giggle and wrestle. Last night he chewed me out in his sleep and demanded I give him his cracker back. He was so mad that I had taken it. I was tired and frustrated but I can relate. I think his cracker must be wherever I left that cheesecake! Isabelle asked me two weeks ago if I had dressed her while she was sleeping. Nope. She had gotten up and fully dressed herself and went back to bed. Doesn't remember a thing. Abbi has gotten out of her bed, walked right to me and proceeded to have a one sided crazy town conversation. She usually gets frustrated and returns to her own room. My mom woke up in a hotel parking lot in her nightgown! When she asked my dad why he let her leave he responded, "I thought you went for a Pepsi!" What a bunch of nuts! One of my favorite childhood memories is of my mom chasing a spider she thought was in our tent while camping on the side of a freeway. It was scary and wildly entertaining all at the same time. I swear every night when I lay down I think, "can't wait to see how this night ends". I just wish it would end with me feeling like it was real sleep and not a Saturday Night Live skit! So, off to bed I go. Sweet dreams!

My Mama!

Today at MOPS the leader had brought her mother as a guest. In the introduction she gave her mom credit for a lot of things she is proud of. She said she taught her how to cook, dust, sew and such. As a mother now herself she was giving her mother loving credit for the mothering she received. Another gal turned to me and said, "I really need to learn to some things so I can teach my kids. My mom knows how to do a lot of things but didn't teach us girls any of them". I find it fascinating how we tend to do that! We want certain things for our kids or have great things to share and then we just don't. In both good ways and bad ways we often forget to pay it forward. It is a continuous weight on me to "share" my gifts with my kids. This goal has claimed a permanent place under "family" every time I sit and write goals out. Never do I quite feel like I am taking enough time or making making enough effort to transfer these skills and knowledge. Yet, I have to give myself some credit because I do a lot of fun things with my kids and we do a lot of fun special things for them. However, I know I have so so much more to give them. The great thing is, this is info from me they actually want. When she was finished I started to roll a list through me head of the things I know how to do because my mama took the time to teach me. My eyes welled up and I had a lump in my throat. At the time a silly fun song was being belted out about the hilarities of motherhood. My friend next to me must have noticed my sudden sink and asked why I was crying at the song. I laughed and told her I had just made a mental list of the things I know how to do. I know how to do these things not because I had a mother but because of my particular mama! A few weeks ago our table leader made a comment about how every mother is given children that need what she has to offer. I had never thought of it that way. I have these 4 super different children. It's hard to fathom that I contain (or contain the ability to contain) all that they need from me. On my drive home I ran the list through my head of the blessings my mom has shared. Not just with me but many with my kids too. I can draw and paint because my mom showed me how. Making a pair of pants, a set of drapes, new bedding or a teddy bear is possible because she taught me how. Knit, crochet, needlepoint and those funny rugs with little pieces of yarn and hook things have all been completed with success because of her lesson, encouragement and supplies. When Halloween rolled around not only did I have a costume, I had a hand painted costume that won the contest because she painted and painted for hours to make it just right. When I ran for various offices I didn't just have xeroxed posters filling the halls. Oh no! My mom brought me a pig to walk the halls on a leash in a t-shirt that read, "Vote for Hope". At some point I had a pet goat. I have no idea why but she made us matching clown suits and we paraded around the ice rink (I am going to have to ask her about this one. Ha!). When my friends spent the night she used our best glasses to serve us fancy desserts and in the morning made pancakes in the shape of Pac-Man. I have no idea how many hours she spent painting little scenes on my nails with her very best brushes and her very best paints. Most of the time I am not afraid to step forward and give things a shot...because she taught me to try. Setting the expectation that I can pull something off happens because she told me...I could do it. Now that I am a mother of teenagers I often think of the times my mom arrived after a dance in her nightgown and winter coat to pick me up without a cross word regarding the fact that I was the LAST one out of the building. As I set up carpools in attempts to get everyone where they need to be I often think, "how in the world was she able to take me to all those things?" Not only me but she usually was driving my friends too yet I don't remember anyone other than her ever driving me. I was never called lazy, dumb, or useless. My mama told me I was smart, creative, fun and beautiful. The best part is that she loves to share the cool things with my kids too! Having two sets of kids has made it a bit tricky. Regardless when I made the mental list of what my kids have gotten to do and learn with her just makes me dance. My big girls have sewn pillows, frogs and bags. The have cooked and baked everything under the rainbow. There is no slice and bake cookie experience for this lady, oh no. She has taught my kids how to make pretzels, fudge, taffy, gingerbread houses, bagels, cinnamon rolls and dinner in a campfire. They have made ice cream in a coffee can and cake in ovens they made themselves! Building houses, sewing new clothes and anything else Barbie Doll related for hours and hours and hours. Every holiday a box arrives full of festive goodies! Themed shirts, socks, stickers, candy, nativity calendars... Every birthday always was topped with a special cake made by grandma taken to the extreme. There is not enough space and my fingers are not even capable of noting all the special magical things my kids have lived, nor have I. These things are mine, all mine. Because...she is my mama! I now seem to take some of those things to a whole new level. I don't want to make a pillow, I want to make shoes! I don't want to have a few people over, I want to throw a party for 500! My life is what it is because my childhood mattered. I mattered. I wasn't left home all alone or dumped off with people. My folks weren't party animals or workaholics. I wasn't beaten or mentally abused. I was loved. My kids would be enormously blessed if I pulled off even a fraction of what my mom and dad have done for me! Ahhh...my dad. He deserves a post all of his own!

Today was just one of those days...

Today was just one of those days. Actually, the last two have been. My hubby is out of town so our schedule is off. I have been going to bed late and barely sleeping. I have a bad habit of taking on others pain and stress. It's not always a bad thing but when you are worried about characters you saw in a movie it's a little much. Over the weekend an old friend of mine was drugged and beaten on her way home from dress shopping and having a drink with a friend. She has been unable to remember anything and can barely walk. The police were not helpful and she is scared. The fear and uncertainty she is feeling is uncomprehendable to me. You just never know what kind of both good and bad surprises life has for you. The questions and what if's that have to be running through her head have been running through mine as well. Last night both my big girls came home with horror stories of what teachers had said to or about them. I can be quite a pushover and find it hard to stand up for myself. The difference is when it comes to my kids I come out swinging. I like to think I do so in a level headed and effectively appropriate aggressive way...hee hee. However, the anger, frustration and struggle is the still there. I want to take it ALL on for them. I want to right the wrongs and clear the path for them. If they hurt themselves I want to fix them. If they lose their way I will run to the ends of the earth to find them. It's more than I can bear sometimes when an adult and worse yet a teacher is who hurt them. I went to bed angry with my head spinning and woke up just about the same. I spent an hour in the high school admin office waiting for the Principal while entertaining Charlotte. By the time he got to me she had thrown in the towel. A receptionist witnessed my struggle with her and gave me a little bag of Cheez-It crackers. That helped for about 40 seconds. Nothing was really resolved in my quick meeting with the Principal so I left a trail of crumbs and left. Getting back into to car I was feeling very defeated. Before I was out of the parking lot I heard Charlotte dump that bag of crackers all over herself and down into her car seat. Any parent knows the treasures that can be found in the depths of a childs carseat can be horrifying. I got a few things accomplished I had been putting off and Charlotte took a nap. A friend recommended a website. It was so spectacular and amazing I am forever changed. It was so poetic and inspiring. Even though it was inspiring I ended up crying several times. I had to keep wiping my eyes so I could keep looking at pictures and reading. Feeling a ton better after spending literally hours on the website and related blog we went to pick up Ryder from school. I caught a glimps of myself in a reflection. The morning had been very rushed and I was lucky to get a shower. I had thrown my hair up into a stringy wet pony tail. I was starving and my face looked like I had been crying for a week. Ryder had a hard time leaving because he couldn't find his "monster paper". We searched for it, pretty much woke up all the kids napping and ended up leaving without it. I bumped Charlotte's head leaving the school before putting her in her carseat. As I backed out to close her door I spotted those Cheez-Its she had spilled earlier. I grabbed a few and tossed them in my mouth. As I got in the passenger seat Ryder said, "Hey! Wait! I want an orange snack! Where did you get it?" I reached back and grabbed a handful of Cheez-Its out of her seat from him. I lifted her leg and grabbed a few more for myself. I chuckled and looked at myself in the rear view mirror. Some days everything goes your way and other days it seems logical to eat orange snacks out of the toddlers carseat abyss. Today was just one of those days.